my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
