She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
