; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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