1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
