for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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