During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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