We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
