you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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