So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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