"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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