he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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