You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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