I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm at about main and main street
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
