we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
