when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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