I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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