so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
