Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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