let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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