I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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