i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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