I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
