I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
