I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i love accidental penises.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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