Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let's get the cat blown out
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
