It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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