When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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