think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
