My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
