Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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