No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
