When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
