i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
