meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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