I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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