I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
