Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
