i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hippo gnu deer
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
