I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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