I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
