I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize