Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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