yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
