Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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