Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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