remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
