were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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