My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
