you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Two words: nipple clamps
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