finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
