Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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