The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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