Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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