I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
