I want to have your abortion
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
