I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
