at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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