How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
