NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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