my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
