he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
